Living in the Way of Integrity
Gerri woke up with severe discomfort in his chest. He couldn't breathe well. He lived alone. He had two grown daughters with whom he had no contact for the last six years. An Uber took him to the ‘emergency’ and after a few tests, the doctor warned him that another heart attack like this one would take his life. In a small group meeting, Gerri expressed deep sadness about the possibility of dying as a lonely man.
As a young man, Gerri worked hard to provide for his family. Yet, he spent little time and understanding on building constructive relationships with his two growing daughters and his wife Victoria. He had this misguided notion that as a high-income earner, he was entitled to money, prestige, and a sense of control, and the responsibility of building constructive family ties was of Victoria’s! So, when Victoria was around, his daughters and grandchildren would visit at least once a year, and now that she was gone, they did not keep in touch. After the life-threatening heart attack, rejection from his daughters was very painful for him; if he could turn back the clock and be kinder and more compassionate to Victoria and the girls he would! He now wanted to rebuild his relationship with his daughters.
Martha Beck's book ‘The Way of Integrity’ provides deep insight into the role of integrity in relationships and happiness. Integrity means being present in life as a whole and not piecemeal just to keep the peace. Often, we know deep in our hearts what we need to do to express sympathy and empathy, take responsibility for our faults, and make genuine efforts to repair the damage, yet we choose to hide behind self-preservation, ego, and the power of money. This lack of integrity built up in small ways over the years, invites rejection in close relationships.
I too have been in a situation with my family where the channel of communication between my grown children and I had weakened. As I repaired my relationship with them, I realized that it was I who needed to align my integrity and not bury the blame on them. This is the hardest thing to accept when you are a parent or a spouse. Being honest with ourselves takes courage!
Beck provides three steps in realigning integrity to live as our true selves. The first one for Gerri is to take a walk back to when life was becoming foggy and he knew things were off between him, Victoria, and the girls. He always used the stress of work, and the power of his money to justify to Victoria for his faults, while the inner workings of their marriage were deteriorating. He assumed, that bringing more money would fix his relationships, however, it made him less emotionally invested in Victoria and the teenage daughters. This also affected his job performance. When faced with criticism he felt insecure and assumed that no one understands him and all he has done is work hard to provide for them. This dynamic played out for many years and in the end, he completely lost the way of integrity. He felt angry at everyone but himself.
The next step Beck recommends is to search out the ‘I-demon’ voices in our heads and let them go. The most common ones are - “They do not respect me”, “They do not value me”, and “They do not appreciate me”. Frankly, every blame we place on others is our way of protecting ourselves! This is unhealthy codependence. Beck says to ask if the respect or value you desire is rooted in ego and pride. Most often they are. Then let go of these demons and find humbleness.
When I reflected on my relationships with my grown children, it was clear that unconditional love demands that we sacrifice ego! I would imagine what my ego demanded from them. Then I would let it go, turn my mindset to humility, and offer the same support to them. Gerri wanted his daughters to call on him from time to time, so he should find ways to call on them or write to them. He may get rejected at first, but try again. Get to know the grandchildren’s names and interests, invite them, and send them something small. In consequent communications, provide them a listening ear, and express genuine sympathy and empathy towards their life issues. Go back and express regrets about the lost time with their mother, and build up from there. Remain honest and not controlling or manipulative. A word of caution, building relationships with an agenda of winning and losing will take you right back to being miserable.
Lastly, trust is a crucial element in positive relationships. It takes a while to rebuild it but with consistent self-reflection, integrity, and a ‘giving’ mindset, positive relationships for Gerri with his daughters will eventually happen.
To live an authentic and happy life, this age-old wisdom of the Bible provides a fresh perspective, “Love is patient; …kind;… not proud or self-seeking;… keeps no record of wrongs;..always hopes;… and perseveres!...” So go with it!
Reference
Martha Beck, 2021, The Way of Integrity
Good read and lesson